digital janitor: May 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Therapy, session 11

Today's session was a jumble. I started off rambling about some minor, unimportant annoyances in my life, then snuck in a zinger; I told her I'd been thinking of taking a break from therapy for a month or two as I take some time to apply some of the things I've learned.

Shockingly, she was not a fan of that idea. (Was that too sarcastic?)

I mentioned that I'm a little poor at the moment (we later covered my inability to manage money), and that my 20 sessions per year paid for by my health insurance are already half gone. She then launched into a little riff about how my mental health is worth it (okay, she's got a point there), and that I should make therapy a priority (as if I don't give it enough priority in my life. sheesh.).

The rest of the session focused on my previously-mentioned lack of financial management skills, and how it relates to my relationships. I quickly learned that she puts a much higher priority on money than I do. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but she treated some of the things I said as relationship revelations, when I honestly think that they're no big deal. I do get down on myself from time to time about my poor money skills, but I certainly don't let money (or the lack of it) keep me from being happy. A minor embarrassment, sure. Relationship deal breaker, not so much.

Bah, this post is rambling. Enough for now.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

500!

I think most peeps who read this blog are aware of the 366:2008 project and my 365 project from last year. Yesterday, I passed a small milestone; my 500th day of shooting a photo a day. I posted the day's 500th photo(s) over on 366:2008, but I also made a little 50 second video with the 499 photos I shot before it.
499. from steve lyon on Vimeo.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Therapy, session 10

I went into this session feeling a little feisty. See, I recently had this good conversation with a friend, where I came away with the distinct feeling like I just need to buck the fuck up and put my ancient history behind me. Acknowledge it, deal with it, learn from the mistakes, and get on with my life. Stop obsessing with the bullshit minutiae that happened to me 25 years ago and learn how to make some concrete changes in my life right here and now, today.

Those of you still reading this might be yelling "FINALLY!" at your keyboard right now. Yeah, that's how I feel about it, too.

All of my past experiences, all the hurt, the anger, the pain, the power struggles, all boil down to one thing. Fear. I'm afraid. And for me to ever experience life, to really earn my friends, to really love, to really fucking LIVE, I have to manage my fears. Sure, it'll always be easier and safer to do what I've always done, live the life I've always lived, but gee whiz Wally, look how smashingly well that strategy has worked for me so far. Playin' it safe, perfectly content to shut myself off in my own mind where nobody can sneak in and hurt me. That's been such rewarding fun.

The high dive is a cheesy, but apt metaphor for what I'm trying to convince myself to do. I'm up there, lookin' down on that water, drenched in the fear that if I let anything change my little life up there on that platform, oh gosh, I just might get hurt. What I never consider is that after 36 years of puttering around in the shallow end, I'm a pretty damn good swimmer. I can handle that dive.

I just need to trust myself.

Jump.

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Post? Me? Oh, okay.

Sorry to leave y'all hanging on that tired old DMV post for so long. The DMV wasn't THAT good.

Problem is, I've been wanting to post a whole shit-ton of my thoughts recently, but my writing skills are just not up to the task of proper expression. Doesn't help that I've felt like I'm lacking traction in most aspects of my life lately.

To combat this wheelspin (hey, I love me a good car metaphor), I've made a mini resolution to try and get more of it down in pixels here.

On with it.