Therapy, session 10
I went into this session feeling a little feisty. See, I recently had this good conversation with a friend, where I came away with the distinct feeling like I just need to buck the fuck up and put my ancient history behind me. Acknowledge it, deal with it, learn from the mistakes, and get on with my life. Stop obsessing with the bullshit minutiae that happened to me 25 years ago and learn how to make some concrete changes in my life right here and now, today.
Those of you still reading this might be yelling "FINALLY!" at your keyboard right now. Yeah, that's how I feel about it, too.
All of my past experiences, all the hurt, the anger, the pain, the power struggles, all boil down to one thing. Fear. I'm afraid. And for me to ever experience life, to really earn my friends, to really love, to really fucking LIVE, I have to manage my fears. Sure, it'll always be easier and safer to do what I've always done, live the life I've always lived, but gee whiz Wally, look how smashingly well that strategy has worked for me so far. Playin' it safe, perfectly content to shut myself off in my own mind where nobody can sneak in and hurt me. That's been such rewarding fun.
The high dive is a cheesy, but apt metaphor for what I'm trying to convince myself to do. I'm up there, lookin' down on that water, drenched in the fear that if I let anything change my little life up there on that platform, oh gosh, I just might get hurt. What I never consider is that after 36 years of puttering around in the shallow end, I'm a pretty damn good swimmer. I can handle that dive.
I just need to trust myself.
Jump.
Those of you still reading this might be yelling "FINALLY!" at your keyboard right now. Yeah, that's how I feel about it, too.
All of my past experiences, all the hurt, the anger, the pain, the power struggles, all boil down to one thing. Fear. I'm afraid. And for me to ever experience life, to really earn my friends, to really love, to really fucking LIVE, I have to manage my fears. Sure, it'll always be easier and safer to do what I've always done, live the life I've always lived, but gee whiz Wally, look how smashingly well that strategy has worked for me so far. Playin' it safe, perfectly content to shut myself off in my own mind where nobody can sneak in and hurt me. That's been such rewarding fun.
The high dive is a cheesy, but apt metaphor for what I'm trying to convince myself to do. I'm up there, lookin' down on that water, drenched in the fear that if I let anything change my little life up there on that platform, oh gosh, I just might get hurt. What I never consider is that after 36 years of puttering around in the shallow end, I'm a pretty damn good swimmer. I can handle that dive.
I just need to trust myself.
Jump.
Labels: shrink
posted by steve at 12:32 AM
4 Comments:
Have you ever seen Donnie Darko? You know the scene where the antagonistic PE teacher is attempting a lesson where she draws the spectrum of FEAR and LOVE and Donnie protests saying that it can't all be just fear and love? Well, I think it is. Go forth with love and fear leaves you and vice versa. Thanks for sharing your journey with us, Steve! One more uncertain voice in the world does volumes to help us all be comfortable in our own uncertainty.
I totally agree with Court..there are 2 choices...fear and love. I have learned that in my time also. That doesn't make the whole "jumping" thing easier, but it does bring some light onto things.
Fear and love.
Sounds like my recent experiments with infrared film.The fear of not knowing about it, yet love it from what it produces. I take chances and what comes out is simply beautiful, sometimes. Othertimes, an abysmal failure. And recently, I've found that when I think I failed, I really didn't as a whole.
Take a chance, Do what you want to do. Really, what's the worst that can happen? What's the best that can happen? In reality, it will be something in between.
Perhaps Fear & Love could be a good movie.Seems like a fertile ground of ideas and something new.
YAY. Go for it!!!
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