Therapy, session 5
Session 5 was a good one. We spent a lot of time talking about my intense need to project an image of serenity and competence and happiness to the world, when the reality is that I'm often not serene, competent, nor happy. I hate to admit it, but this is a habit I learned from my father. As a kid, I remember how he was often concerned about putting on the perfect game face for his friends, his co-workers, and the neighbors, when the reality was we were a terribly unhappy family.
Over my lifetime, I've wasted a nuclear reactor's worth of energy stressing out about how I appear to everyone in my life, convincing everyone that I'm okay.
I've wasted every single one of my relationships because I never felt like I could trust anyone to know that I was not okay, and that I did indeed have flaws.
Some of the most intense embarrassment I've ever felt has been when I had to admit to a girlfriend that I needed help, needed bailing out of a tough spot. Admitting that I'm a shitty money manager, that I have ongoing problems with the DMV, that I'm not as smart as I like to think I am, that I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up.
I'm terribly selfish and over-protective of my thoughts and my fears. I don't trust anyone enough to let them know what is really going on in my odd little head. I need to change that.
Over my lifetime, I've wasted a nuclear reactor's worth of energy stressing out about how I appear to everyone in my life, convincing everyone that I'm okay.
I've wasted every single one of my relationships because I never felt like I could trust anyone to know that I was not okay, and that I did indeed have flaws.
Some of the most intense embarrassment I've ever felt has been when I had to admit to a girlfriend that I needed help, needed bailing out of a tough spot. Admitting that I'm a shitty money manager, that I have ongoing problems with the DMV, that I'm not as smart as I like to think I am, that I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up.
I'm terribly selfish and over-protective of my thoughts and my fears. I don't trust anyone enough to let them know what is really going on in my odd little head. I need to change that.
Labels: shrink
posted by steve at 8:31 PM
3 Comments:
You know, I feel as this post could have been writen by me. I wish I knew why we feel this way.
I guess I should feel lucky as my biggest problem right now is why my Tri-X 400 negatives are far far less contrasty than I want them... and I can't seem to get it right (even at 15 mins of D-76 1+1 @ 68 deg F). I am unhappy with them.
I don't trust many people... the number may be counted on my right hand. Its easier that way. With low expectations, not much room for disappointment. Don't know what one could make of that, but it works in my life. Rely on myself, and when I make a mistake, then I improve myself. Rely on others, and you're SOL (not always, but for the most part).
I'm no expert, so take it for what that's worth. Probably in contradiction to what others would say, but I'm happy overall.
Next for me is ~20 mins for dev time... that seems far too long. I'm doing something wrong. Oh well, that's a lot of the fun of developing too. Picked up some HC-110, so may dabble with that. A battle between D-76 & HC-100... man, science is fun.
shannon: I wish I knew too. With any luck, the therapy might point me to an answer.
mig: I feel like I'm generally happy in my life the way I've shaped it, but I also feel very alone at times - I suspect that's the major difference between you and I, and what made me look to therapy for help.
I look forward to seeing the results from your darkroom experimentation...
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